Our Plans Have Changed

Mother nature decided to throw me a curveball and despite being on birth control, had my period come about 2 days early. Last month I was 2 days late. She's hilarious..really.

But alas! This means we can go ahead with IUI because I can get my prescription today and start it on Monday. And what's this?! The back pay came in! All is good in the world!

NOT!

I called to set up my IUI and I got 3 different prices and at this point we don't know if the money we have saved will be enough. (Tricare only covers infertility stuff until you move on to artificial insemination. It's all out of pocket from that point on). The doctor told me at my last appointment IUI would be $450. End of story. The nurse tells me when I call the procedure is $350 but I have to pay for appointments before and all my meds and $100 for a progesterone draw. But she doesn't know what it all will cost together. I called the receptionist and asked her what it will cost and she said the IUI is $195, sperm washing is $166, and my monitoring appointment could be anywhere from $221-280 and she has no clue what the meds will cost. That is a huge problem because last time, I had to go for 2 ultrasounds because I didn't respond well enough. (Side note: Anyone else find it weird an artificial insemination procedure costs less than an ultrasound???)

Well, we still were gonna go ahead and do the IUI. And then I realized we may be eating the dog due to lack of money and I'm sure the wee one wouldn't be too happy about that. See, on top of no one knowing what the procedures they do on a daily basis cost, his back pay was only for 2 months instead of 3. And they taxed the hell out of it. So we basically got about $250 less than what we had planned on. (How's that for ya? We're potentially short for the IUI by $200 and that's about the amount we didn't get that we were supposed to. The cosmos think they're comedians too apparently).

So needless to say, I'm calling Monday to cancel my ultrasound on the 3rd.

BUT

We are going to change things up. I'm breaking up with birth control (I'd like to say it's me, not you but we all know the truth, Mr. Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo) and we are gonna just try the good old fashioned way. We obviously know I can get pregnant, I've done it a few times before and I even got to keep one. So screw what my doctor and infertility say, and screw my non-operating ovaries. I'm gonna at least make an effort to try instead of sitting it out on birth control.

So our new plan is, we're gonna just do our thing until we can afford an IUI and if we don't get pregnant, fine. At least we've got the backup plan. (I realize it's very possible for me to not ovulate even once in that amount of time but at least I'll feel like we're still trying). And if we do end up pregnant by some miracle, well have an extra $700 or so to spend on a new baby.

It's a win/win!

So basically when this very weird period ends, I'm going to be taking either FertileCM or Maca, (or both together), grapefruit juice and lots of water (gotta get past my bad cm!), and going back to spending stupid amounts of money on OPKs. Throw in some temping, saliva microscopes and cervix checks and we're back in the game!!

And I'm quite happy about it :)

Tick Tick Tick

Miss Vito, I feel ya.

Just direct the rant at my uterus and change the words marriage/married to pregnancy/pregnant.

With everyone around me getting pregnant for free, I feel so restless that I am not and cannot get pregnant for free. Let's face it, I ain't gettin any younger here. I just turned 28 and due to the awesomeness that is infertility, I have about 2 years left before things start getting really hard.

I feel like part of my frustration is I've known since before we conceived Charlie that my cervical fluid is the problem. I know what EWCM is supposed to look like* and I know I don't have it. I get just barely EWCM at best. Not stretchy enough to be considered perfect EWCM but not thin enough to just be considered watery.

This is why I am not getting pregnant (well, that and the whole I-don't-ovulate-on-my-own thing) and I feel like if my doctors would just listen to me** we could most likely have a baby already. And this is why it is straight up making me crazy to sit here and have to wait until I can afford to pay to try to have a baby and these little bitches are just running around getting pregnant by having sex for 3 whole days out of a month and BAM pregnant.

But I'm not bitter or anything...

I know all these girls are jealous there's a team of doctors and nurses that are involved in my baby making. They're totally jealous that I get to take hormones and get crazy and get hot flashes and get the ever-so-comfortable dildo cam at least twice a cycle and I'm sure they're jealous I don't have to actually have sex to get pregnant since the doctor will be injecting my uterus with my husband's baby juice.

Jealous. Yeah...right.

I just am really hoping and wishing that his back pay comes in soon. I want to at least try. And hopefully I'll be right about my CM and we'll get pregnant right away.

If not, my husband and uterus better expect some loud ticking...






*Mother nature and her cruel sense of humor gave me EWCM as a teenager...while on birth control. Of course at this point I thought I had some kind of std or something because I had really good EWCM and I thought it was completely abnormal. I'm sorry for wishing you away, please come back.

**If doctors would take the time to listen to their patients once in a while, a lot of time could be saved sometimes. I told my doctor it would be best to start me on 100mg of Clomid instead of the 50mg because I've done this before and I know how my body reacts to it. He starts me on 50mg and on CD14 when I didn't have any follies close to the size they were supposed to be, he says I should have started you at 100mg. I wanted to smack him and yell, Yeah, I think I may have mentioned that already! I also mentioned how I never get EWCM on Clomid or not and he still seemed fairly shocked when I failed to post coital test. *Facepalm*

Work It Out

I've recently started seriously exercising. I need to lose weight not just for fertility's sake but for me. Up until I stopped birth control 6 years ago, I had never weighed 100lbs. As soon as I stopped taking birth control I went from 95lbs (don't worry, I'm only 5'1") to 135 in about a year. Ouch. I'd really love to get back down to 95lbs but I'd be happy at 115lbs. I was about 112lbs when I got married in June of '07 and oddly enough I felt fat then. I wish I was that "fat" again.

So through the wonder of Pinterest, I found some Ballet inspired exercises called Barre 3. Since I had gotten so horribly out of shape, the first 3 days absolutely kicked my ass. Even now I find myself still having to push myself on some of them. BUT, I have lost 2.5 inches on my waist and an inch off my hips so I guess I can't really complain. Not to mention I'm finally getting the muscle back in my legs that I lost when I first moved out of state and stopped rollerblading every day. I've also added some other exercises that I alternate every other day with and that would be a total body workout that is also Ballet inspired (this one) and then a Pilates exercise that targets your legs and core (this one). I'm also going to start doing some fertility yoga to try to calm my body down and get things working properly for when we do our IUI.

I haven't lost any weight according to my last weigh in yesterday morning. I actually gained .2 pounds but I think that may be muscle weight. Or it's just the little weight fluctuation that happens daily. Either way, I'm not too worried about it. I'm just happy I found exercises I like doing and that are totally fun. I used to do 30 minutes on my Elliptical and it was torture. I'd be ready to quit about 5-10 minutes in. With these exercises, I do 30 minutes before I even realize it. The variety really helps a lot. I'm doing a different exercise every 10 minutes with the Barre 3 ones and it really helps the workout go faster. Not including my flexibility stretching I do a few times a day, I worked out for 70 minutes yesterday and I didn't even realize it. And I even felt great after. Not the usual overheated, nauseous, feel-like-I'm-gonna-die feeling I used to get after doing the Elliptical.

So hopefully I can drop some weight before our IUI because I think it will greatly increase our chances of it working. I weighed 119lbs when I got pregnant with the little one and I really don't think that was a coincidence.

Some People...

How do you deal with people who don't understand what infertility is like? I've been going through this for just under 6 years and I have no clue how to handle people sometimes.

For instance.

I posted on good ol' Facebook about how after 3 pregnancy announcements hit me in the face in a row in a matter of minutes, I couldn't take anymore and I was extremely bitter about it. I was especially unhappy about one girl in particular for some very good reasons and I even ended my post with 'if you think I'm being selfish try walking even just 10 steps in my shoes and then tell me how you feel'. Well, of course the only person who comments is my mother (not that I posted it for attention or sympathy but a little acknowledgment would be nice and you can bet if it was a political post I'd have 57885379001 responses) but one person (a fertile myrtle of course) had made a post of their own and maybe it's paranoia, but I felt like it was directed at me.

"Blah blah blah I'm thankful for people who are happy for others blah blah blah etc"

I can't remember what it all said but the gist of it is she's glad there are people that can see through their pain and be happy for others.

I'm sure if she couldn't pop kids out like a broken gumball machine she'd still feel the same way...NOT!

My Hormones Are A Little Off

Usually PMS comes before your period shows up. Apparently not for me. I have been downright moody lately. Maybe it's because I'm still not pregnant, maybe it's because I'm angry I can't afford an IUI right now, maybe it's my hormones just trying to figure out why I went from ovulation stimulating pills to ovulation suppression pills, maybe it's because I'm too anxious to find out if I'm pregnant or not during the 2WW to notice PMS so it shows up afterwards. 

Either way, I'm a ticking time bomb lately it seems. I have zero patience for pretty much anything or anyone. I got all ticked off because someone I've known since kindergarten defriended me on facebook and even went as far as to post about it. 

And then yesterday I read an article that just irritated me about how teens feel they can't be who they really are because they are constantly trying to impress other teens and avoid being made fun of. First of all, stop being so damn sensitive (I was made fun of constantly in school for being short or not having clothes from the stupidly overpriced stores, I simply did not care). I blame this on parents who baby their kids and congratulate their kids for waking in the morning and teachers and coaches giving awards/trophies to kids just for participating. Second, maybe if the parents of these kids that the other kids feel they need to worship raised kids better, there wouldn't be the toxic recipe of overly sensitive kids and overly aggressive kids that bullying is made of.

Parents need to teach their kids to be the perfect balance of the above and I am trying my hardest to raise a child who is compassionate and strong and caring and tough. I'm also going to teach her that if you want something, you have to work for it, it isn't just going to fall into your lap like your teachers/coaches would like you to think. 

Ugh. 

I need a mental vacation from people I swear...