We Are On TTC Hold.

So with not having an RE at the moment, and me being in limbo on whether or not I'm going to get these weight loss pills, we are on a TTC hold.

I hate it.

Seriously, I get it.

I can't get pregnant without an RE, with this weight on me, or while on birth control. But that's just what I'm going to have to deal with I guess. I don't know how long it's going to take to find a new RE that will accept my stupid insurance, and if I don't get the weight loss pills, who knows how long it will take me to lose this weight (believe me I've tried and worked out for a month straight 6-7 days a week for an hour a day and lost a whopping 1 pound).

But I've decided if I don't get the weight loss pills, I'm staying off birth control. I can't waste my precious TTC time sitting around on birth control waiting to afford an IUI (which will no doubt be more expensive now). I've gotten pregnant before on my own and I'm confident we can do it again. I don't care if it takes another year, I'm not wasting my time on birth control anymore. The only time I will do birth control again is the month before we do an IUI to make sure I have no cysts that could cause a problem.

Ya know, a friend of mine said to me, 'When will you guys catch a break'? Believe me, I'm wondering the same thing.

Well Happy New Year To Me

Today we got a letter in the mail from my RE's office. I thought to myself, great, this must be a bill or something for something Tricare decided not to cover.

Well, I was wrong. It's a letter to inform me that my doctor will be retiring 1 month from today.

The letter recommends we go to Oklahoma University for treatment and so far research has shown that they will only do 3 IUIs and then your only option is IVF.

We simply cannot afford IVF. Especially since Tricare will not cover anything at all for anything that isn't timed intercourse.

So needless to say I'll be discussing my options with my doctor on the 4th to see who we can go to and how long it will take to get an appointment.

I'm feeling pretty defeated right now. Especially since I had to start birth control again last night.

And it's going to drive me nuts never knowing just how much an IUI would have cost with my doctor now.

Cycle Update And Future Plans

I realize I haven't updated the rest of my cycle but it really doesn't matter. I had a hefty temperature drop yesterday morning and then right before bed I started spotting. I woke up with quite the flow this morning.

So I'm not pregnant.

Now I could go straight into my birth control today, finish a month of that out and then do our IUI after that but I just can't do that without losing weight first. The main reasons we can't get pregnant on our own are because I don't ovulate on my own (well, normally) and my cervical fluid is too hostile. I know that. But another reason is my weight. PCOS has been unkind to me in that department and when we first started trying for a baby back in 2007, I stopped taking birth control and went from 95lbs to 135lbs in a year. I gained nearly 20lbs in the first 6 months alone. I've been skinny as a twig my whole life with no trying whatsoever and now I'm just huge*. And I hate it.

So here is the plan.

I have a doctor's appointment on the 4th to get weight loss pills from my doctor. She had offered them to me back in July but I really wanted to try on my own because I figured with some exercise and watching what I ate and reducing my caloric intake, I could lose the weight in no time. Yeah, that hasn't exactly worked. I actually weigh 7 pounds more now than when I first started working out. I know some could argue it's muscle, but it's not. And I know it's not because I am still fat. I did lose some inches on my waist and my hips but it is slowly coming back and it's really not helping to motivate me to exercise. I mean, who wants to kill themselves 7 days a week for no results? I spent at least 7 hours a week exercising for little to no change and I think these pills will help me out for sure.

And before anyone starts thinking, 'oh you're just looking for a quick fix', well, I'm not. I know I am still going to have to exercise and watch what I eat. That is not an issue for me. The issue is doing everything right and getting no results. I need a little booster to help me along. I've read countless stories of women who use weight loss pills and rave about how they lost X amount of weight in X amount of time and 'I didn't have to workout once'!

That's not realistic.

And trust me, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't actually need it. I'm no fan of taking medicine for anything unless I really need to. And right now I'm desperate.

And I should add this isn't a completely vain thing either. Do I want to look good and get skinny again? Yes, but that is not the only reason I am doing this (especially since if I lose the weight and then get pregnant, I'll gain about 20lbs back). The number 1 right now is to conceive. It's just not gonna happen at this weight and I can't spend all that money on an IUI for it to not work because I'm overweight. I got pregnant with Charlie when I was around 124lbs and I need to lose 13lbs to get to that weight. I'd like to lose 20lbs total but I think 15lbs will be just enough. I don't want to lose too much at this point because I know that won't help either. Another reason is health. Between my PCOS and my mom having diabetes, I am at double the risk of most people for getting it. Not to mention I ended up with gestational diabetes while I was pregnant cuz I stopped taking Metformin (I literally failed by 1 point). And I don't need any heart disease issues that are already elevated from PCOS too.

And I want to be fit enough to play with my daughter for extended periods of time and if by chance I do end up pregnant, I don't want to have to stop playing with her because I'm pregnant and too tired. I want to keep my energy levels up and being heavy doesn't exactly give you much energy.

Ok, and I'd also love to look pregnant next time around, not just fat.

I just hope she doesn't change her mind about giving me these pills because I really have tried to lose weight on my own and I just need help.

So there's the plan. Lose this weight, do a month of birth control to get any residual weight loss pills out of my system (and get rid of any potential cysts on my ovaries), and then do the IUI. I'm figuring this will take anywhere from 2-4 months.

*I should probably mention that I'm not morbidly obese or anything like that. I'm 5'1" and 137.1lbs. I'm just overweight. I didn't hit the 100lb mark until I went off birth control so we could start TTC 6 years ago. Up until then my weight was a near constant 95lbs. So while some people may be like omg get over it you're not that huge, to me, I am. I'm at my heaviest and I am now nearly 50lbs heavier than I was before TTC. Not. Cool.

11DPO

Things aren't looking good folks. The progesterone is going down.

My Usual Temp Drop After 10DPO

As well as my symptoms.

Today, it's simply some slightly sore boobs (nothing compared to what they've been) and some cramps.

I should add that my cervix has been hurting which means it's most likely opening due to my impending period. I realize that might sound weird but whenever I'm getting close to ovulation or my period, my cervix gets achy or straight up shooting pains going through it. I'm very in tune with my body so I notice everything.

I was really hoping for my Christmas BFP but I guess Santa decided some 16 year old needs to do a show on MTV instead. =/

9DPO And 10DPO

I didn't get a chance to update yesterday (drama with Charlie wanting to see Santa and then flipping when she saw him) so we're going to do a double update post.

9DPO
My boobs HURT. Like, hurt so bad I'm gonna be straight pissed if I don't end up pregnant and all this pain is for nothing. And it feels like I have implants in because they are kind of hard and just all around not comfortable.

Cramps as usual, backache, some twinges, tired, nausea, headache, heartburn, mood swings...pretty much PMS in a nutshell for me. Ok, except for the overwhelming urge to puke while out to lunch with hubby and Charlie. But that could have just been the Burger King.

10DPO
Took a test this morning. BFN. As I've stated before, if I don't get a positive by 10DPO, I count myself out (although if my ovulation was off by a day, tomorrow would actually be 10DPO so there's   a little hope. But I'm not counting on it).

So far my symptoms today are boob pain (a little less than previous days but still pretty bad), twinges, irritability, tired, slight hormonal headache.

No cramps as of yet but it's still relatively early in the day. Started getting mild intermittent cramping just as I was about to publish this post.

Pretty positive I'm out and we'll be forced to pay an arm and a leg for an IUI.

Can't wait! (There really needs to be a sarcasm font)

Fun Facts:

• We started TTC #2 in September of 2010.

• We are moving on to month 19 (had to take out some actual trying time due to hubby's 3rd deployment)

• Out of the time we have spent TTC #2, I have only ovulated 7 times. One of which resulted in a chemical pregnancy...while in Disney World (I don't know how I get so lucky).

• Since I started seeing my RE in July, I have ovulated just once with his help (this cycle I O'd all on my own). I have spent more time on birth control since seeing him than actually doing anything.

8DPO

Not much to report today. Boobs are very sore but more in the nipple area. Not like last night when it hurt to move lol.

I'm tired, but I've pretty much been tired since ovulation. Progesterone does that to me so I can't really count anything on it. Hubby is very optimistic about this particular symptom, but then again he always is. He thinks because he was totally right about when I was pregnant with the little one, he's going to be right all the time. Ya can't blame him for wishing though.

My thoughts are I'm still not sure if I am. I didn't really feel pregnant when I was pregnant with my daughter, but we were in a position that it didn't really matter. I had an artificial insemination consultation in about 2 or 3 weeks so if it worked, great. If it didn't, we at least had a plan. And ironically, we are right at that same place now too. If I don't get pregnant this month, we are going to be doing an IUI. Maybe that's why I'm on the fence about it. That and I never like to get my hopes up because it makes all those negatives easier on me.

I plan on testing on 10DPO because that is when hubby urged me to test when I was pregnant with my daughter and I got a positive. I pretty much believe if I don't get a positive by then, it just isn't going to happen. I know that's not exactly logical because there are women who don't show positive til much later, or even after they are late for AF and every pregnancy is different. I guess it's just my natural defense against being too crushed.

As far as my temps, a little dip this morning but as we all know one temp doesn't mean much. That and I was a bit cold and I only got about 2 and a half hours of sleep before I temped. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow morning. Typically it would start to fall anyway. My highest temps seem to be the week after ovulation and then shift down a little.

If anyone wants to check out my chart, I have the link to it on the top of the right side column.

7DPO

Holy round ligament type pains!

I've been having them since 2 days after I ovulated when I stand up (the exact same pains I got when I was pregnant) so you can imagine my optimism at this point.

Boobs still hurt and are huge (more than normal!), still crampy, lower back hurts, bloated, a little bit irritable today.

I can't contain my hope!!!!!

I know I'm being mildly ridiculous since it's only 7DPO but a girl can dream...can't she?