Well Lookie There

It appears I have ovulated on my own again. Don't really know what day exactly since I wasn't temping most of the cycle but I have narrowed it down to between CD19 and CD 23. I'm leaning more towards CD22 based on temp trends but who knows, I could be wrong. Either way, I've got the usual post-O symptoms. Tender/sore ta-tas, some nausea, some heartburn, some serious irritability etc. I tested once, but if I'm right on my recalculated O day, I was actually only on something like 7DPO so obviously it was negative. I don't plan on testing anymore this cycle though. I'm just going to wait for the inevitable start of my period.

:sigh:

I was really trying to stay optimistic and try the positive thinking and visualization thing, but it's just so hard for me. For almost 6 years combined we've been TTC and I've gotten pregnant 5 times and have just 1 child. Not to mention the years of natural failure (when I FINALLY ovulated 39679576 days into my cycle), and the months of Clomid failures, I just can't stay optimistic anymore. I wouldn't say I'm exactly pessimistic, but when the odds are clearly against you, it's hard to have that little voice that whispers "it's possible it worked" come through.

Only time will tell. My temps aren't looking too out of the ordinary so I'm already pretty sure we're going to be going to our RE appointment on the 26th but it sure would be nice if we didn't have to.

Cycle Update And Future Plans

I realize I haven't updated the rest of my cycle but it really doesn't matter. I had a hefty temperature drop yesterday morning and then right before bed I started spotting. I woke up with quite the flow this morning.

So I'm not pregnant.

Now I could go straight into my birth control today, finish a month of that out and then do our IUI after that but I just can't do that without losing weight first. The main reasons we can't get pregnant on our own are because I don't ovulate on my own (well, normally) and my cervical fluid is too hostile. I know that. But another reason is my weight. PCOS has been unkind to me in that department and when we first started trying for a baby back in 2007, I stopped taking birth control and went from 95lbs to 135lbs in a year. I gained nearly 20lbs in the first 6 months alone. I've been skinny as a twig my whole life with no trying whatsoever and now I'm just huge*. And I hate it.

So here is the plan.

I have a doctor's appointment on the 4th to get weight loss pills from my doctor. She had offered them to me back in July but I really wanted to try on my own because I figured with some exercise and watching what I ate and reducing my caloric intake, I could lose the weight in no time. Yeah, that hasn't exactly worked. I actually weigh 7 pounds more now than when I first started working out. I know some could argue it's muscle, but it's not. And I know it's not because I am still fat. I did lose some inches on my waist and my hips but it is slowly coming back and it's really not helping to motivate me to exercise. I mean, who wants to kill themselves 7 days a week for no results? I spent at least 7 hours a week exercising for little to no change and I think these pills will help me out for sure.

And before anyone starts thinking, 'oh you're just looking for a quick fix', well, I'm not. I know I am still going to have to exercise and watch what I eat. That is not an issue for me. The issue is doing everything right and getting no results. I need a little booster to help me along. I've read countless stories of women who use weight loss pills and rave about how they lost X amount of weight in X amount of time and 'I didn't have to workout once'!

That's not realistic.

And trust me, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't actually need it. I'm no fan of taking medicine for anything unless I really need to. And right now I'm desperate.

And I should add this isn't a completely vain thing either. Do I want to look good and get skinny again? Yes, but that is not the only reason I am doing this (especially since if I lose the weight and then get pregnant, I'll gain about 20lbs back). The number 1 right now is to conceive. It's just not gonna happen at this weight and I can't spend all that money on an IUI for it to not work because I'm overweight. I got pregnant with Charlie when I was around 124lbs and I need to lose 13lbs to get to that weight. I'd like to lose 20lbs total but I think 15lbs will be just enough. I don't want to lose too much at this point because I know that won't help either. Another reason is health. Between my PCOS and my mom having diabetes, I am at double the risk of most people for getting it. Not to mention I ended up with gestational diabetes while I was pregnant cuz I stopped taking Metformin (I literally failed by 1 point). And I don't need any heart disease issues that are already elevated from PCOS too.

And I want to be fit enough to play with my daughter for extended periods of time and if by chance I do end up pregnant, I don't want to have to stop playing with her because I'm pregnant and too tired. I want to keep my energy levels up and being heavy doesn't exactly give you much energy.

Ok, and I'd also love to look pregnant next time around, not just fat.

I just hope she doesn't change her mind about giving me these pills because I really have tried to lose weight on my own and I just need help.

So there's the plan. Lose this weight, do a month of birth control to get any residual weight loss pills out of my system (and get rid of any potential cysts on my ovaries), and then do the IUI. I'm figuring this will take anywhere from 2-4 months.

*I should probably mention that I'm not morbidly obese or anything like that. I'm 5'1" and 137.1lbs. I'm just overweight. I didn't hit the 100lb mark until I went off birth control so we could start TTC 6 years ago. Up until then my weight was a near constant 95lbs. So while some people may be like omg get over it you're not that huge, to me, I am. I'm at my heaviest and I am now nearly 50lbs heavier than I was before TTC. Not. Cool.

11DPO

Things aren't looking good folks. The progesterone is going down.

My Usual Temp Drop After 10DPO

As well as my symptoms.

Today, it's simply some slightly sore boobs (nothing compared to what they've been) and some cramps.

I should add that my cervix has been hurting which means it's most likely opening due to my impending period. I realize that might sound weird but whenever I'm getting close to ovulation or my period, my cervix gets achy or straight up shooting pains going through it. I'm very in tune with my body so I notice everything.

I was really hoping for my Christmas BFP but I guess Santa decided some 16 year old needs to do a show on MTV instead. =/

8DPO

Not much to report today. Boobs are very sore but more in the nipple area. Not like last night when it hurt to move lol.

I'm tired, but I've pretty much been tired since ovulation. Progesterone does that to me so I can't really count anything on it. Hubby is very optimistic about this particular symptom, but then again he always is. He thinks because he was totally right about when I was pregnant with the little one, he's going to be right all the time. Ya can't blame him for wishing though.

My thoughts are I'm still not sure if I am. I didn't really feel pregnant when I was pregnant with my daughter, but we were in a position that it didn't really matter. I had an artificial insemination consultation in about 2 or 3 weeks so if it worked, great. If it didn't, we at least had a plan. And ironically, we are right at that same place now too. If I don't get pregnant this month, we are going to be doing an IUI. Maybe that's why I'm on the fence about it. That and I never like to get my hopes up because it makes all those negatives easier on me.

I plan on testing on 10DPO because that is when hubby urged me to test when I was pregnant with my daughter and I got a positive. I pretty much believe if I don't get a positive by then, it just isn't going to happen. I know that's not exactly logical because there are women who don't show positive til much later, or even after they are late for AF and every pregnancy is different. I guess it's just my natural defense against being too crushed.

As far as my temps, a little dip this morning but as we all know one temp doesn't mean much. That and I was a bit cold and I only got about 2 and a half hours of sleep before I temped. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow morning. Typically it would start to fall anyway. My highest temps seem to be the week after ovulation and then shift down a little.

If anyone wants to check out my chart, I have the link to it on the top of the right side column.

7DPO

Holy round ligament type pains!

I've been having them since 2 days after I ovulated when I stand up (the exact same pains I got when I was pregnant) so you can imagine my optimism at this point.

Boobs still hurt and are huge (more than normal!), still crampy, lower back hurts, bloated, a little bit irritable today.

I can't contain my hope!!!!!

I know I'm being mildly ridiculous since it's only 7DPO but a girl can dream...can't she?

6DPO

I swear I feel 90% of my imaginary pregnancy symptoms before pregnancy is even possible. Today I have cramps (for whatever reason) and my c/s scar is aching a bit. The boobs are sore, but no where near as bad as last night.

Last night they hurt to breathe I swear. And my temperature was 99.20° which is super high for me. Even after ovulation. This morning my temp went up a decent amount which I expected because I clearly had a progesterone spike last night.

But I can't take any of this with anything less than a grain of salt. My temp usually stays up pretty high until around 9-10DPO, and while I did implant on 5DPO with my daughter, I haven't felt anything like I did when she implanted. Just some pains here and there but nothing I would consider comparable to when I really implanted.

But it's what keeps me sane. I'm not exactly a pessimistic person (more of a realist I'd say) but the only time I managed to stay pregnant, I felt it and it was early. I just don't believe I could be pregnant if I don't feel implantation by 5DPO.

Although due to wacky sleeping times my ovulation could be off by a day so today very well could be 5DPO.

I guess we'll just need to wait and see.

And hey Santa, I'd really like a + for Christmas.

4DPO

Nothing to really report. Boobs are a bit sore but not like they usually are, I'm a bit crampy, but it obviously means nothing this early on sooooo that's what's going on.

I'm not sure how I feel about this cycle because it really doesn't matter if it doesn't work, we are going to do an IUI which I'm (overly) confident will work.

I wouldn't say I'm optimistic, but I wouldn't say I exactly feel like this cycle is doomed. Although I always feel like every cycle where my boobs don't hurt the way they did the day after ovulation when I was pregnant with the wee one is doomed.

And I haven't been wrong yet.

You'd Think I'd Be Used To Waiting By Now

Between TTC and deployments, you'd think I'd be totally used to waiting for things. Waiting for ovulation, waiting for a birth control cycle to end, waiting for even a chance at having a baby, waiting for Hubby to come home etc.

I should be all cool, calm, and collected.

But really, I'm all like this...

Just confirm the damn ovulation already!!!!!

I think some of the worst of waiting during TTC is the waiting for ovulation confirmation. As if it's not bad enough that it usually takes me 149459397845 days to ovulate, I then have to wait an extra 3-4 days for a thermal shift to register on my chart.

I know, I know, 3 days is not that much.

Normally. 

But 3 days in TTC time is worse than 5 minutes in football time. It. Goes On. For-ev-er.

And then, once you finally do get those elusive crosshairs, you get to spend the next 2 weeks waiting to find out if your uterus will turn into a temporary house for your precious little baby, or if it will go apeshit and throw a huge temper tantrum.

I just couldn't NOT post this bit of hilarity

So that's where I'm at right now. Waiting to see if my surge was real and that I did indeed ovulate. My head is leaning towards no because my only "symptoms" of ovulation I've had this time around are my boobs got a bit bigger/fuller (of course) and the nips seem to be a tad more sensitive. 

But my chart looks pretty good. I had a temp rise yesterday morning but I can't count on that one because I took it way later than normal since the wee one was up for some unknown reason til nearly 5am but today's went up pretty good and I actually got the 3 hours of sleep I needed before-hand and I even temped at the proper time. (Ok, actually I temped 15 minutes earlier cuz that's when Hubby got up but it still counts as on time by FF standards).

So now, I WAIT.

Mother Nature, Why Must You Torment Me So?

I did not wake up with AF as I expected to. I'm due today. My luteal phase tends to fluctuate from 14-16 days, but on average it's 15 days. I realize it's not even noon yet here but this is giving me hope. That and my temp only went down a little. Usually on the day I get my period, my temp plummets so I'm either going to get it very late tonight or tomorrow. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. If AF doesn't get here by tonight, at least my morning temp will let me know what's going on. If it's still up and I haven't gotten my period still, I'm going to be one very happy girl. But I'm not counting on it.