Long Overdue Update

So a friend of mine recently started blogging. I then realized I haven't blogged in quite a while. Mostly it's because we are stuck not trying for now, but we also recently moved so much of my time has been consumed by that.

So let's see. What has happened since my last post...

We moved. Thank goodness! We finally got a house on post and best of all, it's a brand new house, I mean brand.new. No one has lived in it since it was built so it was nice to come in and have to do generally deep cleaning rather than clean up previous tenant's mess deep cleaning.

We bought a new car! Well, an SUV crossover really. It's a 2013 Dodge Journey. It was a pain in the butt to get it due to the first dealership we went to trying to royally screw us over by only offering us $500 for my 2009 Cobalt sedan (among other things they tried to screw us over with) which is in perfect running condition and has general wear and tear for a 4 year old car that has traveled from Alaska to Louisiana to Buffalo (and back and forth between the 2 over 2 years) to Disney World to Oklahoma to Ft. Benning back to Oklahoma and back and forth to Buffalo a couple times. It had 80,000 miles on it. You get the picture lol. We ended up going to a different dealer who was MUCH more cooperative and instantly gave us $6500 for our trade in and a helluva better deal (no money down and still cheaper than the other guys where we were gonna put $2,000 down) We also got to save on taxes since hubby is still a resident of Alaska. Woot!

I've lost weight! At this point I'm 1.5 months-ish deep into weight loss pills. I have officially, as of today, lost 16.3 pounds. I'm hoping to squeeze out at the very least 5 more pounds. Initially my goal weight was 120 with my ultimate goal weight being 115. I only have to lose 1.7lbs to get to my original goal weight so I think that one is pretty doable. I'm fairly confident I can make it to 115 too.

And last, but certainly not least, we have an appointment set for our new RE!!! We go on April 26th for our first appointment. I've been researching her like crazy and I really like what I'm reading. She so far seems very accomplished, intelligent, and progressive. And every patient review I've read says she is very nice, will take the time to answer questions you may have (and not make you feel rushed) and more than 1 said she didn't make you feel like a statistic. I still worry about the 3 IUI limit before moving to IVF, but I really think just 1 IUI is all we will need. (I hope)

So that is what is going on with me right now. Some more waiting but at least this time we know an IUI is most certainly in our future. The money is there and waiting and so are the meds. Just gotta see if they are gonna have me do a month of birth control first (which I assume they will since I haven't had my period since 1/18).

Shit just got real.

We Are On TTC Hold.

So with not having an RE at the moment, and me being in limbo on whether or not I'm going to get these weight loss pills, we are on a TTC hold.

I hate it.

Seriously, I get it.

I can't get pregnant without an RE, with this weight on me, or while on birth control. But that's just what I'm going to have to deal with I guess. I don't know how long it's going to take to find a new RE that will accept my stupid insurance, and if I don't get the weight loss pills, who knows how long it will take me to lose this weight (believe me I've tried and worked out for a month straight 6-7 days a week for an hour a day and lost a whopping 1 pound).

But I've decided if I don't get the weight loss pills, I'm staying off birth control. I can't waste my precious TTC time sitting around on birth control waiting to afford an IUI (which will no doubt be more expensive now). I've gotten pregnant before on my own and I'm confident we can do it again. I don't care if it takes another year, I'm not wasting my time on birth control anymore. The only time I will do birth control again is the month before we do an IUI to make sure I have no cysts that could cause a problem.

Ya know, a friend of mine said to me, 'When will you guys catch a break'? Believe me, I'm wondering the same thing.

Cycle Update And Future Plans

I realize I haven't updated the rest of my cycle but it really doesn't matter. I had a hefty temperature drop yesterday morning and then right before bed I started spotting. I woke up with quite the flow this morning.

So I'm not pregnant.

Now I could go straight into my birth control today, finish a month of that out and then do our IUI after that but I just can't do that without losing weight first. The main reasons we can't get pregnant on our own are because I don't ovulate on my own (well, normally) and my cervical fluid is too hostile. I know that. But another reason is my weight. PCOS has been unkind to me in that department and when we first started trying for a baby back in 2007, I stopped taking birth control and went from 95lbs to 135lbs in a year. I gained nearly 20lbs in the first 6 months alone. I've been skinny as a twig my whole life with no trying whatsoever and now I'm just huge*. And I hate it.

So here is the plan.

I have a doctor's appointment on the 4th to get weight loss pills from my doctor. She had offered them to me back in July but I really wanted to try on my own because I figured with some exercise and watching what I ate and reducing my caloric intake, I could lose the weight in no time. Yeah, that hasn't exactly worked. I actually weigh 7 pounds more now than when I first started working out. I know some could argue it's muscle, but it's not. And I know it's not because I am still fat. I did lose some inches on my waist and my hips but it is slowly coming back and it's really not helping to motivate me to exercise. I mean, who wants to kill themselves 7 days a week for no results? I spent at least 7 hours a week exercising for little to no change and I think these pills will help me out for sure.

And before anyone starts thinking, 'oh you're just looking for a quick fix', well, I'm not. I know I am still going to have to exercise and watch what I eat. That is not an issue for me. The issue is doing everything right and getting no results. I need a little booster to help me along. I've read countless stories of women who use weight loss pills and rave about how they lost X amount of weight in X amount of time and 'I didn't have to workout once'!

That's not realistic.

And trust me, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't actually need it. I'm no fan of taking medicine for anything unless I really need to. And right now I'm desperate.

And I should add this isn't a completely vain thing either. Do I want to look good and get skinny again? Yes, but that is not the only reason I am doing this (especially since if I lose the weight and then get pregnant, I'll gain about 20lbs back). The number 1 right now is to conceive. It's just not gonna happen at this weight and I can't spend all that money on an IUI for it to not work because I'm overweight. I got pregnant with Charlie when I was around 124lbs and I need to lose 13lbs to get to that weight. I'd like to lose 20lbs total but I think 15lbs will be just enough. I don't want to lose too much at this point because I know that won't help either. Another reason is health. Between my PCOS and my mom having diabetes, I am at double the risk of most people for getting it. Not to mention I ended up with gestational diabetes while I was pregnant cuz I stopped taking Metformin (I literally failed by 1 point). And I don't need any heart disease issues that are already elevated from PCOS too.

And I want to be fit enough to play with my daughter for extended periods of time and if by chance I do end up pregnant, I don't want to have to stop playing with her because I'm pregnant and too tired. I want to keep my energy levels up and being heavy doesn't exactly give you much energy.

Ok, and I'd also love to look pregnant next time around, not just fat.

I just hope she doesn't change her mind about giving me these pills because I really have tried to lose weight on my own and I just need help.

So there's the plan. Lose this weight, do a month of birth control to get any residual weight loss pills out of my system (and get rid of any potential cysts on my ovaries), and then do the IUI. I'm figuring this will take anywhere from 2-4 months.

*I should probably mention that I'm not morbidly obese or anything like that. I'm 5'1" and 137.1lbs. I'm just overweight. I didn't hit the 100lb mark until I went off birth control so we could start TTC 6 years ago. Up until then my weight was a near constant 95lbs. So while some people may be like omg get over it you're not that huge, to me, I am. I'm at my heaviest and I am now nearly 50lbs heavier than I was before TTC. Not. Cool.

11DPO

Things aren't looking good folks. The progesterone is going down.

My Usual Temp Drop After 10DPO

As well as my symptoms.

Today, it's simply some slightly sore boobs (nothing compared to what they've been) and some cramps.

I should add that my cervix has been hurting which means it's most likely opening due to my impending period. I realize that might sound weird but whenever I'm getting close to ovulation or my period, my cervix gets achy or straight up shooting pains going through it. I'm very in tune with my body so I notice everything.

I was really hoping for my Christmas BFP but I guess Santa decided some 16 year old needs to do a show on MTV instead. =/

9DPO And 10DPO

I didn't get a chance to update yesterday (drama with Charlie wanting to see Santa and then flipping when she saw him) so we're going to do a double update post.

9DPO
My boobs HURT. Like, hurt so bad I'm gonna be straight pissed if I don't end up pregnant and all this pain is for nothing. And it feels like I have implants in because they are kind of hard and just all around not comfortable.

Cramps as usual, backache, some twinges, tired, nausea, headache, heartburn, mood swings...pretty much PMS in a nutshell for me. Ok, except for the overwhelming urge to puke while out to lunch with hubby and Charlie. But that could have just been the Burger King.

10DPO
Took a test this morning. BFN. As I've stated before, if I don't get a positive by 10DPO, I count myself out (although if my ovulation was off by a day, tomorrow would actually be 10DPO so there's   a little hope. But I'm not counting on it).

So far my symptoms today are boob pain (a little less than previous days but still pretty bad), twinges, irritability, tired, slight hormonal headache.

No cramps as of yet but it's still relatively early in the day. Started getting mild intermittent cramping just as I was about to publish this post.

Pretty positive I'm out and we'll be forced to pay an arm and a leg for an IUI.

Can't wait! (There really needs to be a sarcasm font)

Fun Facts:

• We started TTC #2 in September of 2010.

• We are moving on to month 19 (had to take out some actual trying time due to hubby's 3rd deployment)

• Out of the time we have spent TTC #2, I have only ovulated 7 times. One of which resulted in a chemical pregnancy...while in Disney World (I don't know how I get so lucky).

• Since I started seeing my RE in July, I have ovulated just once with his help (this cycle I O'd all on my own). I have spent more time on birth control since seeing him than actually doing anything.

Tick Tick Tick

Miss Vito, I feel ya.

Just direct the rant at my uterus and change the words marriage/married to pregnancy/pregnant.

With everyone around me getting pregnant for free, I feel so restless that I am not and cannot get pregnant for free. Let's face it, I ain't gettin any younger here. I just turned 28 and due to the awesomeness that is infertility, I have about 2 years left before things start getting really hard.

I feel like part of my frustration is I've known since before we conceived Charlie that my cervical fluid is the problem. I know what EWCM is supposed to look like* and I know I don't have it. I get just barely EWCM at best. Not stretchy enough to be considered perfect EWCM but not thin enough to just be considered watery.

This is why I am not getting pregnant (well, that and the whole I-don't-ovulate-on-my-own thing) and I feel like if my doctors would just listen to me** we could most likely have a baby already. And this is why it is straight up making me crazy to sit here and have to wait until I can afford to pay to try to have a baby and these little bitches are just running around getting pregnant by having sex for 3 whole days out of a month and BAM pregnant.

But I'm not bitter or anything...

I know all these girls are jealous there's a team of doctors and nurses that are involved in my baby making. They're totally jealous that I get to take hormones and get crazy and get hot flashes and get the ever-so-comfortable dildo cam at least twice a cycle and I'm sure they're jealous I don't have to actually have sex to get pregnant since the doctor will be injecting my uterus with my husband's baby juice.

Jealous. Yeah...right.

I just am really hoping and wishing that his back pay comes in soon. I want to at least try. And hopefully I'll be right about my CM and we'll get pregnant right away.

If not, my husband and uterus better expect some loud ticking...






*Mother nature and her cruel sense of humor gave me EWCM as a teenager...while on birth control. Of course at this point I thought I had some kind of std or something because I had really good EWCM and I thought it was completely abnormal. I'm sorry for wishing you away, please come back.

**If doctors would take the time to listen to their patients once in a while, a lot of time could be saved sometimes. I told my doctor it would be best to start me on 100mg of Clomid instead of the 50mg because I've done this before and I know how my body reacts to it. He starts me on 50mg and on CD14 when I didn't have any follies close to the size they were supposed to be, he says I should have started you at 100mg. I wanted to smack him and yell, Yeah, I think I may have mentioned that already! I also mentioned how I never get EWCM on Clomid or not and he still seemed fairly shocked when I failed to post coital test. *Facepalm*

Some People...

How do you deal with people who don't understand what infertility is like? I've been going through this for just under 6 years and I have no clue how to handle people sometimes.

For instance.

I posted on good ol' Facebook about how after 3 pregnancy announcements hit me in the face in a row in a matter of minutes, I couldn't take anymore and I was extremely bitter about it. I was especially unhappy about one girl in particular for some very good reasons and I even ended my post with 'if you think I'm being selfish try walking even just 10 steps in my shoes and then tell me how you feel'. Well, of course the only person who comments is my mother (not that I posted it for attention or sympathy but a little acknowledgment would be nice and you can bet if it was a political post I'd have 57885379001 responses) but one person (a fertile myrtle of course) had made a post of their own and maybe it's paranoia, but I felt like it was directed at me.

"Blah blah blah I'm thankful for people who are happy for others blah blah blah etc"

I can't remember what it all said but the gist of it is she's glad there are people that can see through their pain and be happy for others.

I'm sure if she couldn't pop kids out like a broken gumball machine she'd still feel the same way...NOT!